Hello out there!
So. It has been 6 months since my last post. Eek. Life has been crazy. Life has been beautiful. Life has been life-changing. I have wanted nothing more than to have the energy and time to write; write anything, anywhere!l – My blog, a notebook, a scrap piece of paper other than ones I use for grocery lists. But I have had very little of the forementoned, if any at all. I haven’t had an outlet for months and it has been driving me crazy. My life is now inundated with babies. A bigger baby and a real little baby. And it has been hard. It has been a struggle. It has been absolutely beautiful and magic. It has been everything on the spectrum from utopian to dystopian. I’ve found myself and I’ve lost myself. I’m trying just to even recognize myself in the thick of it all.
And there can only be one way to do all this and it’s Day by Day.
Motherhood has enveloped in the greatest challenge I had yet to encounter, once my second baby was born, Just shy of my firstborn turning 19 months. Days (and nights up to a point) consisted of constant nursing; nursing one, nursing the other, nursing both. My mind and body were literally drained. My hormones were all over the place, which was to be expected, but my moods were really not in the right place, ever.
Her birth was a hard one. It was an awful experience with a midwife, but in a birth center that I absolutely love. I couldn’t think of the experience for the longest time. I couldn’t talk about it. I had some post-traumatic stress about it. Looking back, I now consider it to be just so beautiful in its own way because my daughter is just the most amazing baby girl I could have ever prayed for or dreamed of. She is just so special. And her birth, albeit traumatic, was exactly how she was supposed to enter this world. I have made some peace and found healing from the experience.
But I’m still doing a lot of healing in lots of other places.
Being a mom of 2 under 2 is hard. It has been so hard for me. Like really, really hard. Like “I can’t do this” kind of hard, some days. I have called my mom in tears. I have called friends in tears. John has had to come home early from work because of breakdowns. Ive been lifted up in prayer. I have also been seeing a therapist.
Lots of healing. And coping. And learning how to manage this PPA and yes, PPD.
It’s real. Too real. And I plan to share because it’s important to me and it could be an important experience for someone else. I’m learning to not have shame. And know that I can heal. And things will be better. Because they have been. I just need to work on things a bit longer.
And I have the two greatest kids in the world and they warm my heart like nothing else. And I am ready to start sharing again. Because I didn’t want to for a long time. But I think I’m ready. And I think I will start with Juliet’s birth story. Im FINALLY going to sit down and write it out because it has been too long. She is already almost four months old and i want to cry because it has gone too fast. She is amazing. She and John Fredrick are absolutely the light of my life.
Joy. I’m finding the joy again.