Breastfeeding, Motherhood · motherhood

I was going to put you down but…

Dear John Fredrick,

Today is Friday and we had a fairly normal, uneventful day. You were a sleepyhead and woke up past 9, and as usual wanted to just nurse and lay in bed for over half an hour before I was able to somewhat bribe you with the promise of Sesame Street downstairs. 

We ate breakfast. You had your Sesame Street blueberry waffles, a hard boiled egg, a cheese stick, half a banana and water. While I was preparing your breakfast you clung to my legs and whined because you were hungry. You scarfed it down and finished just in time to watch Sesame Street at 10:30. It was an episode about dinosaurs. You got excited and danced when the Letter of the Day song came on, and you ran into the kitchen to come and get me so I could watch and dance with you. You love Elmo and Mr. Noodle. You also love the exercising cat that comes on between programming.

We went for a drive and Mom timed everything wrong and we ended up waiting on the car for over 20 Minutes to meet with someone that I bought some play mats off of. Play mats for your play room. So we sat in the car and I brought you to the front seat where you played with the steering wheel and the stick and we opened the windows to watch all the cars go buy on the busy street. You pointed to every one and I told you the color of every car and truck.

When we left the parking lot, you were extremely upset to go back into your car seat. I felt awful. I had promised you a park trip but now it was too late since your naptime was imminent and you were clearly in a bad mood. I felt guilty for wasting our time on this beautiful day and wishing I could have brought you to the park and watched you climb and play and laugh. 

I was determined to make it up to you. 

We got home and I got out all the toys to play in the front yard. Your lawnmower, your little walker filled with balls that go pop, your tricycle, your scuttlebug. You ran to the front yard EXCITED and went from toy to toy. You went into the garage and got your favorite toy, the blue pool noodle and dragged that thing around for awhile. I told you not to go out onto the street and you strategically sat on the grass of our front yard exactly 1.5 inches away from the curb. 

“But I’m not on the street, Mom!”

We decorated our front walkway with sidewalk chalk and you sat by the front yard faucet playing in the water for awhile. The mail lady drove by in her truck and asked me if you were the baby from last year when she stopped to visit us and I said, “Yes” with tears and a frog in my throat. You are no longer that 5 month old baby that I laid with on the front lawn on our picnic mat, immobile and just shifting about on your tummy…just a short year ago. My heart hurts.

We went inside and I knew you were tired because you didn’t resist. I let you push the button to close the garage door and you observed in awe and wonder that a tiny little button could make such a big door close. I love your awe and amazement. I want you to be in awe and wonder every minute of your life.

You ate some leftover macaroni and cheese from yesterday…and you devoured every last noodle. I felt guilty for having no veggies on hand to offer so I sliced up and apple and you ate every bite as well. You are such a good eater, I am so proud and happy.

When I pick you up out of your high chair, you grab my face and kiss me over and over again. You say with love, “Taaa Taaa” which is what you call me no matter how much I try to teach you Mama. I am your Taaa.

It’s going to be a late nap this afternoon. We walk up the stairs and I steal kisses from you and you squeal with laughter over and over again. If i could bottle that sound and drink it up every time i need some cheering up I would do it.  So we go upstairs and we settle down in our glider. The book, “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?” is on the table next to the chair and you point and ask me to read it. You are so unbelievably into books at the moment. So I sit you on my lap in the chair and I begin reading and you are listening and following intently. Midway through, you turn to me and are ready to nurse. I continue reading as you nurse and I feel your body sink into mine.

I rock you and nurse you for another 10-15 minutes as you switch from one side to the other. You are fighting sleep but are exhausted and comfortable. The windows are open so the noises are blowing in with the wind and it keeps capturing your attention. I cover you with a blanket to snuggle you and within moments, you are asleep.

And then I was going to put you down but….

I realized we only have 10 weeks left. If that. 10 weeks left of just the two of us. Of our daily schedule that sometimes goes as planned and sometimes doesn’t. Our mundane schedule. My countless selfies and photos of you, at every stage. 10 weeks left of snuggling you to sleep without interruption. I don’t need to really do anything else more important than feel my heart fill to the brim and then feel a bittersweet sadness of our last few weeks of just the two of us. I was going to get up and I almost did but…

I needed to hold you and feel this emotions. I am in tears writing this. My heart feels heavy and torn. Your baby sister shifts in my belly underneath your body and my heart is all sorts of joyful, weepy feelings. Will you understand? Will you know that my love for you and my love for our 19 months together as just Mama and Baba have been the most precious in my existence? Will you know that our love and hearts will grow with the growth of our family? Do I even know this?

Today is for you baby boy. Every day is for you. And as I count down these 10 remaining weeks of my pregnancy, you have no idea of the changes. I have no idea of the changes. One day your world and everything you knew will change, and so will mine but not to the same effect.

But today I won’t let you go. I can’t let you go. Today belongs to you. I love you.

Taaaa. ❤️ 


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